I love underwear. I am more gentle with my bras and knickers than any of my dresses or shoes (even the ones I spent over £50 pounds on) and I am obsessed with beautiful lingerie. But prior to this year’s Valentines day I had never bought ‘sexy’ underwear. And by ‘sexy’ underwear I mean the kind of underwear you don’t wear under your clothes. The kind of underwear that is a set of clothes in itself. I’m talking the whole hog- suspenders, thong, corset, babydoll, whatever.
It was a bit terrifying going shopping for this underwear. I felt like I was walking around harbouring a dirty secret. My first stop was (and oh god, don’t judge me) Primark. Now, I am going to say loudly and clearly if you are ever trying to be sexy do not buy a corset from Primark. Sexy is more than aesthetic, its the way something feels and most importantly (cliched but true) it is the way it makes you feel. I don’t think I would feel sexy wearing uncomfortable, badly made, itchy fabrics. The corsets in Primark feel either slimey or just plain itchy. Plus, the colour scheme sucks.
My next stop was Ann Summers. Now I’ve previously described here how Ann Summers made me feel. Yes, it is an adult’s playground in luxury colours with the feeling of a very high class Parisian boudoir but it’s also a little bit intimidating. I wandered around nervously touching outfits I felt I’d need a couple of very stiff drinks before I even contemplated wearing them. I was asked if I needed help by a shop assistant and I really did need help, so I said yes. And she was lovely. She asked me my budget (limited) and what I was looking for (something that my boyfriend will like and I will not feel ridiculous wearing). The first thing she pointed me towards with underwear in a box. Now I’m not going to lie, I’m a complete and total snob, but underwear in a box, really? I can only describe this garment as akin to fishnet tights. It was almost like a see through, skin tight and very short dress. It was also hideous. In fact here it is so you can decide for yourself:
It looked worse in the box
So on this rather beautiful woman, it doesn’t look too bad. In fact it looks quite good. But she is shaped like a french fry and unfortunately I am shaped more like a potato wedge. Getting my size 12 bum and hips into a piece of sexy netting that exposes my less than toned stomach was about the least sexual thing I could imagine, so I politely declined.
I ended up with a babydoll, in black and red, with gorgeous black lacey knickers to match and plain black suspenders. Even when it comes to sexy underwear I am plain it seems..
The best part about what I bought was the knickers actually. I refused the thong- I’ve never really ‘got into’ thongs massively. The knickers are made of the nicest fabric ever, although they bloody should be for £11. The whole little lot (incl. suspenders) came to £43 (a small fortune to a student.)
At first I was estatic with my purchases. I felt the seixest I’d ever felt when I tried the whole outfit on in my room with my high heels. Then I realised the suspenders (despite being reasonably expensive) were rubbish and kept slipping down. Plus suspenders don’t really suit people with thighs that aren’t sinewy and willowy. Also I couldn’t wear the babydoll without a bra because my breasts looked terrible and were in danger of spilling out. Then I felt ill because I’d spent my food budget for nearly 2 weeks on clothes I was only going to wear once or twice and that would of course be hastily removed. The nicer the underwear the quicker it comes off. Depressing.
Then I started really thinking. And I don’t do this a lot, so it’s pretty exciting. And I was wondering what do I think is sexy. I could tell you what I think is sexy about a man. But what do I think is sexy on a woman? Honestly, I think small breasts are sexy. Really small ones (which sucks because mine do not fit into this category.) Hips are sexy. A not completely toned stomach. And tight black underwear. Not lacey, plain. And a black bra. Simple. So why the fuck was I trussing myself up in satin, lace, and god knows what other fabrics?
My beautiful friend Ava
(go watch her videos, she’s brilliant) suggested that Ann Summers was a bit of a male fantasy land and to an extent I agree. I don’t find the clothes sexy, or ir if I do, it is a certain type of sexy. I think a man is sexiest when he is being himself, confident and happy in a nice suit or a good pair of jeans. Perhaps a suit is dressing up but it certainly is of a different calibre to world of corsets and babydolls. The kind of sexy Ann Summers clothing promotes is a bit fake. A trussed up, over done version of sexy. The models don’t look like real women with their perfect bodies, blow dried hair and falsh eyelashes. Also, who the fuck wears stilletos in the bedroom?
I’m all in favour of spicing things up in the bedroom and I suppose these outfits could do just that. Its just I feel that so many of them don’t tap into a female fantasy. They don’t make the woman feel sexy, or even think about what a woman would wear to feel sexy. They are all for show. They only work from the outside. I’m going to use this particular garment as an example:
To me this is a male fantasy (it’s also crotchless). When describing this product on the website the writer constantly states that it will, ‘guranteed to get his attention’, what about guranteed to make you feel gorgeous? This isn’t even metioned.
I’m trying not to go on a Feminist diatribe. I’m trying to just evaluate how I feel about Ann Summers. I could be wrong. If it works for you, that’s great. If it does make you feel sexy, then that is brilliant. But what I worry about is women wearing these clothes not for themselves but for a man.
Maybe I’m just bitter because outfits like this are definately not designed for my 34F breasts, ‘child bearing’ hips and slightly more wobbly than I would like stomach. And let’s not talk about thighs at all. On the plus side, I certainly won’t need to invest in Ann Summers ‘instant boob job bra’.
Not needed for today, thank you!