My Celebrity Best Friend
Since my beautiful, funny and intelligent best friend Jade moved out of GPA I’ve been left with a best friend shaped space. There is essentially a hole in my life that only a best friend can fill. It’s no polyfiller job, this is a massive cavernous gap in my heart. So I decided to come up with my ‘Celebrity Best Friend’ (CBF). I’ve always wanted a CBF. In my friendships I tend to take the back seat as the less interesting one, I’m so boring (OH WOE IS ME) so I reckon a CBF would be perfect. I would happily let them be the superior one, whilst eating Doritos on their sofa. And I would never hog the limelight at parties or red carpet events. I am like the 2012 equivalent to the noughties gay best friend, I am the perfect media event date. Forget bringing your Mum, bring me.
This could be you
Of course, the CBF can not just be any old celebrity. We have to gel on a personal level. They need to be the ying to my yang, the bacon to my butty. They need to rival Jade in humour and intelligence. They need to enjoy a good night out and not be into this lettuce leaf and herbal tea bollocks. Their tipple of choice should preferably be wine or hard liquor, but I am sure we can negotiate.
The first CBF that springs to mind is Kate Middleton. She is the kind of person I’d rather like to be: dignified (even in the face of certain photos), well dressed and kind. Except, however great and beautiful K-Middy may be I’m not so sure she likes sitting around in tracksuit bottoms and eating bread sticks dipped in Nutella (trust me, it’s good). Unlike Harry I’ve never seen K-Middz tumbling out of Bunga Bunga or some other godawful West London club so I’m guessing she won’t want to swig wine from the bottle with me then party the night away. Also, as an ardent Feminist K-Mid is sort of a moot point for me. I love her, yet I know she’s wrong. A bit like cheesecake.
Given that Kate’s out, I swung to the other extreme: Ke$ha. The girl who sang ‘TiK ToK’. Ke$ha’s similarity to Kate begins and ends with the letter ‘K’. Ke$ha’s a bad ass, she’s the chick who ‘brushes [her] teeth with a bottle of Jack’. We’d have mental nights out together and bond over jokes we’ll never remember. Then we’d get off with each other, photograph it and make it our Facebook profile pictures. Because we just don’t fucking care. Problem is, after an exceptionally debauched night out, I think I’d wake up feeling less like ‘P Diddy’ and more like ‘so shitty’ and then Ke$ha would call me a ‘pussy’ and ring up some other backcombed, denim short wearing mentalist and do it all over again. All whilst I’d be left sobbing on my bed with no one to watch hungover TV with.
Racking my brains yet further, I went on Twitter. Maybe I was in fact following my CBF already and I just didn’t know it. Entirely possible. It turns out I was. The best things are, indeed, always under your nose. Or fingertips. Whatever. My CBF is Caitlin Moran. She dresses like I want to dress, writes like I want to write and talks like I want to talk. She’s tweeted at me twice, both times saying ‘Aww, thank you’ but I still think there’s potential there. We both have an unhealthy and truly unruly obsession with ‘sexy sloth faced’ (as Cat Mo described him) Benedict Cumberbatch. Along with our mutual love for Doctor Who, Lady Gaga and FEMINISM. Caitlin wrote the amazing How to Be a Woman, which won the Galaxy award and generally changed 90% (made up statistic) of women’s lives and probably, like, 50% of men’s as well. As well as Feminist polemics, Caitlin pens Celebrity Watch, the sole reason I buy the Saturday Times. I really think Caitlin and I could be best friends. We could sit around sipping Whiskies (which I know she likes from reading Moranthology), get drunk and bitch about The Man. Seeing as she’s a TV journalist I’m sure she’d be fairly up for an ice cream and pizza date with my sofa and the TV. Even geographically speaking she’s a more viable choice than Ke$ha as she lives in London. And unlike Kate, she can travel without a full entourage of body guards.
So Caitlin, how about it? Do you fancy being my CBF? I can promise you banter filled nights out, coffee and lunch dates which last hours and hours because we can’t stop gassing, witty text messages, constant Twitter banter and of course, TV and ice cream.
Me and my CBF enjoying a tipple and a ciggie.