The Dailies: Getting Fumped

by alexxxxxandra

The Dailies is something stupid I decided to do when I finished my dissertation. I decided to blog every day. Obviously, this will probably not be every day and almost certainly never on the weekend. Enjoy.


Getting dumped sucks. That’s obvious. But getting friend-dumped (fumped) totally sucks. It’s when you have a good friend, who you meet up with a reasonable amount, talk to a fair amount and just generally have a good time with, and then suddenly they stop talking to you. 


When you break up with a boyfriend/girlfriend you tend to know about it. If they’re nice, they take you to a cafe or some sort of ‘neutral space’ (I use inverted commas because I don’t understand the notion of a neutral space) and they hold your hand and very gently tell you that despite the fact you are totally awesome, they no longer love you. They no longer want to have sex with you, but don’t forget, it’s not you, it’s them. If they’re an asshole they might tell you via text message or Facebook. But the point is, you know. You are aware that you are no longer in a relationship. And then usually they disappear out of you life faster than an English summer. It’s so quick you wonder if it ever happened at all.


Being fumped is totally different, you often have literally no idea you’ve been fumped. Usually, the person gradually just stops texting back, no longer includes you in plans with other mutual friends and acts distant when you do run into them. Conversations become awkward and strained.


If you are, like me, socially inept, you will pussy foot around this and ask mutual friends if the fumper (friend-dumper) has said anything about you to them. Chances are they haven’t. Or your friends don’t tell you. Either way, you are left wondering if you’ve pissed them off.


You might then send the ‘We still cool?” text, to which, chances are, you will get a reply something like, ‘Of course we are babe, I’m just been so busy recently! Soz if we haven’t hung out in a while.’ Then you’ll quit worrying and think everything is fine.


Except it’s not. You’ve been FUMPED. Gradually this person will cut you out of their life. It will be slow. Fumping is not like dumping. Dumping is normally over and done with fairly quickly, unless you’re that ‘on-off’ couple. Fumping takes a long time, involves a lot of acting like a two faced cow, and always leaves the Fumpee feeling unsure as to what they have done.


The problem with Fumping is you’re never sure when you’re about to be fumped (in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship it’s normally obvious: a breakdown of communication; you haven’t shared a bed/seen each in 3 weeks or they cheated on you) it can happen at, seemingly, anytime. 


I have been known to ‘fump’ people because, unfortunately, some friendships have an expiration date. More often than not though, it’s because my friend has irreconcilably  pissed me off. And instead of just telling them, I cut them out completely. For some reason, in a friendship it’s nigh on impossible to just say, ‘Don’t say that/do that/think that/behave like a twat, it’s annoying.’ Despite the fact that in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship every damn thing the person does is critiqued to high hell by their partner. 


I wish I’d told some people why we stopped being friends, instead of cutting them out.  I wish all the people who’d fumped me had told me why, but I’d probably have told them to go fuck themselves, so maybe that’s why I got fumped in the first place.


DISCLAIMER: If you’re beginning to feel paranoid, this probably hasn’t happened to you. Most fumping is NEARLY invisible until it’s far too late. And then you will know, because, you’ll go on their Facebook and your cursor will hover over ‘Add as a Friend’. Then you’ve been well and truly FUMPED.